


what you're missing

by charjace



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Divorce, Eddie Kaspbrak-centric, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Minor Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, idk what else to tag tbh, this is like acually like a soft peace so go me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:08:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22083151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charjace/pseuds/charjace
Summary: 'you've got your diamonds and your pearls, but i'm what you're missing'eddie has felt like he's been missing certain things, then his friends came back into his life and showed him what it was
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Everyone, Eddie Kaspbrak & The Losers Club
Kudos: 6





	what you're missing

**Author's Note:**

> based on 'what you're missing' by r5

It was late at night, and he really should be at home in his bed with his wife that he doesn’t love. God, all these years he thought he loved her, but he didn’t. He thinks he knows that deep down that he never did, that she was just a person to shift the protective nature he grew up to rely on. To replace his mother in his life, it’s a sad thought and he doesn’t think he was aware of it at the time. Of what he was truly doing until certain people came back into his life, people who made him forget all about his mother’s teachings, people who made him feel like a kid – like the kid he was supposed to be back then, but, then he moved out of their hometown, and his mother had made sure he lost contact with them. She never did like his friends. His friends who were like a pair of glasses, that rested on his face so he could see better, to see clearer – and he’s been without his glasses for the past twenty odd years, only to find them again, and he can finally see clearly again. 

He never did love Myra, not the way he should and that is a shitty thing to realise when he’s been spending all this time with her, dragging her along. But that doesn’t mean she was perfect either, neither parties were good in this relationship. She knew the hold she had over him, how to use his fear of getting sick over him, to use to it her advantage – even knew how to use tears, like his mother, against him. How it would always work. 

His old friends are back in his life, they have been for the past two years now – and it has gotten him thinking, making him believe in his bravery that he knows he has way deep down in himself. His mother and Myra – were ways to keep his bravery under sheets, because he thinks he has always known that he wasn’t always as fragile as they claimed him to be. They were to help keep his bravery tamped down and hidden. 

His friends, oh god they all love him so unconditionally - they don’t tell him he can’t do this, or that, and they show him how they love him in many different ways. In lingering touches, and playful banter thrown, with soft yet rough touches, with hugs that feel like _home_. His friends are what he’s been missing, he thinks. 

True friends are what he’s been missing all these years, forty fucking years old and he can’t really call anyone a friend except for those six. Sure, there are those he works with – they knew him and there was Myra, but they don’t really know him, not in the way that Bill knows how Eddie likes to take risks just as much as he likes to analysis them. Or in the way Bev knows when Eddie feels like he’s not brave anymore. Or the way Mike always buys him books and doesn’t mind waiting until Eddie has finished the book, which can take a while, and still be interested in Eddie’s opinion on them. Or how Richie can tell when Eddie is going into panic mode, and how to help him without getting out that _stupid_ inhaler. Or when Stan smiles when Eddie has been having a hard day, and he knows that all Eddie needs to see, is a smile for _him_. Or like how Ben listens to Eddie’s ramblings about this or that without judgement. 

They know him more, and they hadn’t seen each other in years, until a few years ago when Beverly reached out. They’d been apart for years, but when they got back together, it felt like they had just seen each other the other week. Beverly had reached out because she needed old familiar faces, and she didn’t know why – but they were all who she had thought off. 

Beverly has been in town recently, there was a fashion show happening, and her designs where in it. He had gone to it, despite Myra’s protests. She even accused him of _cheating_ on her with Bev, that that was why he was going. It had been that night, when the pair had been out of dinner that Eddie asked her about her divorce from Tom. It wasn’t something they talked about a lot, but Eddie needed to know what the process was like. This feeling has been bubbling inside of him for two years and now it was finally overflowing and here he was. 

Now, nearly a week after he asked Bev about the divorce – he was sitting in his car at a park in the middle of the night. His mind was racing and he didn’t know what to do, how was he supposed to approach this? How do you tell someone that you don’t love them, that you don’t think you ever did? How do you stop one, or more of your friends getting blamed for this? He knows that will happen, that Myra might blame his new friends, that she might blame _Bev_ in particular, even though she is happily dating Ben. It is all just one big giant risk he needs to take, he has to take it. He needs to cut himself off from Myra, from the reminders of his mother. 

Oh, how to be in your late thirties when you start to question your mother’s parenting, oh how to be forty when you strip it down to the bone, you had been abused. Because if he stripped down what his mother did, she abused her power as a mother, as a caregiver – he loved her, he loved his mother but there was always a part of him that always questioned her, that didn’t feel _safe_ around her. A part he stomped out because, _mothers are supposed to care, they’re supposed to love you, that my mother was just working overtime_ . You never think of _abuse_ as being something mental or emotional, not when you’ve grown up the way he did, and he believed that abuse was physical, and that was always another part he’d use to argue with himself, _she never hit me_. The thoughts; just getting pushed away until they find their way back in again, and it’s a repeated process. Much like before he met Myra, where he’d find himself out of his mother’s grasps – only to find himself back on her doorstep needing a place to stay. A vicious cycle that continued after her death, through Myra. 

He hasn’t been home since he left this morning for work, he had dinner with Beverly before he drove her to the airport, she was heading back to her home for a while. She promised not to tell the others about his plans of divorcing Myra, that she would let him tell the others, and she told him that if he needed to talk about it, she would listen. He knows she would, he knows they all would because they all care about each other. They all love and care for each other, and he cares and loves them all so fucking much. 

It’s way too quiet in the car, just the sounds of the midnight traffic passing by. The engine was off, no music from the radio. There was the slight buzzing from his phone that was sitting on the passenger’s seat, vibrating as Myra calls him. He doesn’t even look to know that it’s her, it’s always been her for the past few hours, worried because he hasn’t come home, that his dinner has gone cold and she threw it away. He wouldn’t be surprised if she’s called the cops because he hasn’t even bothered to pick up the phone to answer her. He can’t bring himself to do it, he can’t pull himself together enough without breaking and falling right back into his place. A place that shouldn’t be his. 

His fingers twist the silver band on his left hand, twisting it as the vibration stops, as it’s silent in the car once more – being once again broken by the vibrations of his phone. Fingers move over to the next ring over, the one on his middle finger, one that matches all the Losers. It was an impulsive thing they all did; it was that or a tattoo. None of them were sure they wanted a tattoo, so they went with a ring. It was a simple thing, a silver band with an inscription of ‘Losers Club ‘89’ on the outside. His phone stops again, and he continues to twist the Losers ring when it picks up again, letting out a sigh – he gives in, picking up the phone and answering without bothering to check who it was. 

“I’ll be home soon Myra, I’ve just been busy,” Eddie starts, it’s a lie and he isn’t even sure if he is going to be going home tonight. Even though the thought of sleeping in his car doesn’t feel _right_ to him, nor would it be good for his body, he isn’t sure. Maybe he’d find a motel that’d take him in for the night. 

“That sounds like a lie,” A voice that wasn’t Myra’s spoke through the phone, and Eddie pulls the phone away and takes note of the name that was reading at the top, _Big Bill_. Bill had called him, but why? He doesn’t understand. Did Beverly say something? No, she wouldn’t have, he trusts her. “Are you okay. Is something up?” 

Eddie can hear as Bill’s voice speaks, it’s a slow pace as if he is working with sounding out each word as if not to mess up, like he was thinking of the words as they come out of his mouth and Eddie is sure that he is. He remembers that when they were younger, that Bill had a horrible stutter that had gotten worse for a period of time after he lost his brother. “I’m...” He takes in a deep breath before slowly letting it out, throwing his head back and wincing a little as his head hit the headrest a little _too_ hard. “Honestly Bill, I don’t know anymore. Can I come over for a while?” 

It maybe a little impulsive, but he needs a place and he doesn’t think he wants to be in New York after what he’s about to do. It might look like he’s running away from it, from the consequences of what he’s going to do. To an outsider it may look like he’s slamming down papers and running, but it’s more than that. None of his friends live in New York and he thinks he needs to put the distance between him and Myra, because deep down he’s scared she’ll talk him out of it – convince him that he needs her in his life, and he’ll rip up the papers. But wouldn’t that be worse, now that he is truly aware of what he’s been doing to her? Staying because she wants him too, even if he doesn’t love her, not in the way he should. He doesn’t love her like a husband should, and there is a part of him that tells him that the way she loves him is _not_ how a wife should love their husband. They’re not good for each other, he can see that clearly now and he might not be able to get her to see that, but he can’t stay with her while knowing this. It’s not right, it’s wrong and it makes him feel like shit just thinking about staying in a loveless marriage. 

“Yeah, of course you can. When are you thinking of coming?” Bill asks, and Eddie can hear the slight worry in Bill’s voice as he talks. There is a soft smile that spreads across Eddie’s face because it’s _genuine_ worry, not faked or overdone but real worry. 

“Two days,” He’s got to go to the lawyers tomorrow for the papers he needs to give Myra. Beverly had offered to extend her stay to help him with it, but he needed to do this on his own, and she understood. He loved Beverly, he truly did. Eddie knew he had to have everything ready, to show Myra that he was serious about it, to show that she couldn’t manipulate him into staying, that it was final. 

“Okay, the guest bedroom will be ready for you when you arrive,” Bill says, it’s quiet for a while before he adds on, “You know I’m here if you want to talk.” 

“I know Big Bill, I’ll see you in a few days,” Eddie replies, and the line goes quiet like they don’t know how to close the call. A few minutes pass before they both just silently hang up the phone, like an unspoken agreement. They can talk in person when Eddie gets there. 

His phone goes off almost immediately after he hangs up with Bill, Myra’s name blaring in the darkness of the night. He lets out a sigh and finally gives into answering her call after he starts up the car, letting Myra’s voice fill the car as he drives out into the night. 

Her voice is full of worry but there was something _off_ with it, it doesn’t feel the same as the worry did when it was coming from Bill and Bev. It almost sounded forced, almost like she _had_ to sound like this – he pushes the thought aside as she tells him she nearly called the cops, how she would have if he didn’t come home. Her voice telling him to come home, and they can go to sleep. He just says _okay_ , that he’ll be home in ten minutes, and she tells him that if he isn’t - her first call is straight to the cops. He hangs up without an _I love you;_ he hasn’t been saying it lately and by now she no longer calls him back up to get him to say it. Like she’s given up on that quest. 

His alarm wakes him up at six forty-five, and he gets himself ready for the day. Myra was going out with a few of her friends, and he is going straight to the lawyers. He’s called up his work, telling him he can’t come into work – that he needs time off for a while. They allow it, it was very rare he ever calls up for time off, or ever call in sick – so they give it to him. If they’re desperate there was facetime and emails that they can use. 

After getting the papers, he’s back home and pulling out his suitcases and a bag and fills them up. First with his clothes, then a few things he really wants to keep – things he doesn’t want to risk Myra keeping. He’s in the bathroom, staring at the cabinet full of pills and medical supplies. Eyes almost blank as he stares at all the bottles and tubes, his mind wondering what he truly did need. He quickly dismisses all of Myra’s things, he notices how most of his bottles haven’t refilled in months because he had slowly stopped taking them. Those he hasn’t refilled in months are into his mental _no_ pile, and he only ends up stuffing those he’s refilled within the last two months into his bag. 

Now, with his things – all the things he deems important into those suitcases and bags, he’s on his laptop – finding the first cheap flight he can out to California where Bill was. Once it was confirmed, he sent Bill his flight details, just so that Bill knows. As he closes his laptop, he pauses and lifts up his left hand and lets his fingers ghost over the ring around his ring finger. Letting out a sigh, he puts his laptop into his bag before he sits on the bed, the folder with the papers sitting right next to him. His things at the doorway, ready for him when he leaves. 

When Myra comes home, she calls out his name and his fingers go to pull at the ring, slipping it off and letting out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding. Taking off that ring felt like a huge weight off of his shoulders, he feels so much lighter with just that simple, mundane thing off of his body. It was like he was free with just that _one_ act, it made him feel braver, like he can do this. Myra calls out again, and he tells her he’s in their bedroom, and he places the ring next to the papers. 

She walks in and he can see the confusion settle on her face as she takes in the suitcases, the way Eddie was holding himself, with the lack of _Eddie_ in the room – not that there really was much _Eddie_ in the room to be begin with. 

“Eddie, what’s going on?” She questions, taking a step closer and that is when he notices her eyes landing on the folder next to him, to the ring and the lack of one on his hand. “You’re scaring me.” 

“I want a divorce, we weren’t right for each other,” Eddie starts, and he can see tears form in her eyes and he can’t tell if they’re planned or real. He doesn’t know the difference with her anymore, not when it comes to her tears anymore. “This is happening, I’ve got my side done with, it’s just you that needs to sign. I can’t keep doing this Myra, I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever did, and I just can’t do this anymore. We’re done, we can talk about the finer details later after you’ve had time to adjust, but I’m not coming back.” 

“But Eddie, you need me,” She says in a whimpering beg, stepping closer to him and he just stands up and goes towards his things, throwing his bag over his shoulders. “Eddie! You aren’t serious? Who will look after you when you get sick?” 

“My friends, I have those you know. I’ll be fine Myra, just... take care of yourself,” Eddie says as he hooks his hands into the handles of the suitcases, he turns and walks out of the apartment. Ignoring Myra’s calls of his name, of her sobbing – he leaves the apartment and thinks to himself that he will never come back to this place. 

The plane ride wasn’t bad, and he arrives in California feeling freer than ever. Renting out a car, and driving himself to Bill’s home. When he knocks on the door, he is greeted by Audra who gives him a smile before helping him into the guest bedroom. She gives him the spare key to the house before she leaves for an audition, telling him that Bill will be home in an hour and to help himself to anything in the kitchen. 

An hour goes by, then he hears the door open and close – Bill was home, and he went straight to the guest room where Eddie was sitting, on his laptop looking over a few things from work. Seeing Bill, Eddie smiled up at him and closed his laptop after saving his work. Bill walks over and takes a seat next to Eddie on the bed, “Are you okay?” Was the first thing Bill asked, and Eddie just pulls Bill into a hug. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” It was true as he let the words flow out of his mouth, pulling away and looking at Bill, who was staring at Eddie to gauge if he was telling the truth. Feeling satisfied that Eddie was telling the truth, Bill smiled that big old smile of his. “A few things, I don’t know how long I’ll be here but if you want me gone, please don’t let me over stay my welcome. If you want me out, tell me. Also, I’m divorcing Myra, there is one more thing – but that I want to tell everyone at the same time. All the Losers.” 

“Tomorrow night then? I was concerned Eddie, you sounded... _off_ when I called you, I forgot why I called in the first place,” Bill admits, and Eddie pulls him in for another hug and the hug really does feel like _home_. It feels right and natural. 

Bill had been worried enough that he had called all the other Losers and then they made plans to see him, it made him feel _loved_. They didn’t have to do it, he didn’t ask them to do it, yet they’re doing it and that night, for the first time in a long time – Eddie slept peacefully and so happy, that he dreamt of nothing but their best memories as a kid. 

Slowly during the next day, the Losers started to file into Bill’s home. First was Richie, then Bev and Ben, followed by Stan with his wife Patty, while Mike was the last to arrive. Audra and Bill cooked dinner for everyone, and they all chatted away around the table. About half way through, someone notices that Eddie doesn’t have his ring and he smiles up at them, telling him that he’s divorcing Myra. He watches as everyone’s faces burst into smiles, and them telling him _good for you_. Richie who was next to him, gave his shoulder a supportive squeeze and Eddie turned his head and gave Richie a smile. 

The table was quiet for a few moments, everyone just eating as someone finds the next topic to bring up, and Bill seems to find the topic, “Hey, didn’t you say you wanted to tell us something, I mean... other than the divorce?” 

Eddie’s eyes go slightly wide, and he gave a small nod of his head – he was about to say something that could totally change the way his friends look at him, he knows it – but, he isn’t that scared about telling them. Now, if his mother were here? That would be a different story, he would be scared shitless to tell her this information. He couldn’t bring it up to her, not without her thinking he was sick, or she had done something wrong. This new information he’s come to terms with, he doesn’t think he could even tell Myra it, even though it is part of why he wanted the divorce and maybe the many similarities between her and his mother stopped him from letting her know the _whole_ truth. She’ll find out though, maybe he’ll tell her later, after he’s told his friends – when he knows he has a support system. 

“Yeah, I did. Ever since you guys have come back into my life, it's like this fog has cleared,” Eddie can hear Richie do a dramatic _Aww_ next to him, and Eddie rolls his eyes fondly before continuing on. “I’ve realised I have buried so much stuff down. Like... how toxic my relationship with Myra is, or how toxic my mother was, or my true feelings. They’re things I couldn’t face by myself, and that is how I felt until you guys came into my life again. It was like you guys knew there was treasures deep inside me and started to dig to find it.” 

“Eddie, you’re worrying us,” Stan speaks, and he can see it – in all their eyes, the worry and concern in his friend's eyes, in their partners eyes – and Eddie can’t help but smile widely. “What’s wrong?” 

“Yeah, it sounds like you’re going to tell us you're like dying or some shit,” Richie says, and he hears Ben say a quiet _Beep, Beep, Richie_. 

Eddie just gives a small shake of his head, giving a soft laugh, “I’m not dying, not anymore then you all are. I’m,” He takes in a deep breath and slowly let’s it out, “gay.” 

When Richie stiffens next to him Eddie’s mind starts to think of all the worse things that could happen – but they are squashed when he see’s everyone else burst into smiles. Patty gives his hand a tight squeeze from her spot on his other side, and he smiles at her. His friends tell him that they love him, and are proud of him – though Richie hasn’t said anything yet, and that worries Eddie but he tries to push past it. They go back to eating, and finding a new topic to talk about. After they were finished eating, Stan pulls Richie aside and Eddie wonders if Stan knows something, because the way he kept looking at Richie and the way Richie would avoid looking back at Stan, or even at Eddie. Did Eddie ruin things with Richie just by admitting something he had buried so deep? 

Bill set up the TV so they could watch a movie together. Ben and Beverly ended up curled up on one of the couches, while Bill and Audra took the other. Mike took a seat on the couch next to Bill and Audra, Eddie thinks something was going on with those three; all the other Losers did because Bill and Audra never seemed to mind. Eddie was sitting on a recliner, while Patty was waiting for Stan on the loveseat. 

The movie started, and Richie and Stan weren’t back yet – Stan had told them to start without them. When they did come back, it was ten minutes into the film, Stan sat next to Patty, smiling as their hands interlaced as Patty rested her head on his shoulder. Eddie smiled as he watched the small interaction, a tap on his shoulder brought him out of his thoughts, looking up he sees Richie standing next to him in the faint light that was coming from the TV. Eddie’s face contorts into one of confusion, Richie usually would just take a seat on his lap without a care in the world. Oh, did his confession actually ruin their dynamic? 

Richie hitches his thumb behind him, in a gesture that says he wants to talk but in a more private area, and as to not interrupt the others watching the movie. Eddie gives a small nod of his head, climbing off the chair before following Richie towards the guest bedroom. The light was on, and now he can see there was a redness around Richie’s eyes, like he had just been crying – or maybe he’s just been smoking some pot, but Eddie doesn’t smell any on him, so he puts it down to crying. 

“I didn’t mean to... uh clam up after you said _that_ ,” Richie says, his hands dug deep into his pockets, and he’s looking at the floor, not at Eddie. 

“Hey, are you alright Rich? You’re scaring me a little here,” Eddie admits, Richie is never this quiet – only ever when Richie is scared but what does he have to be scared about? They may have the most banter compared to the others, but Eddie knows his limits, and won’t intentionally hurt Richie, or any of his other friends. “Look, if you need to adjust to what I said, that is okay. I know it’s not something everyone can just accept straight away. I didn’t with myself until like, two months ago.” 

Richie laughs, but it was humourless, it was full of sadness and Eddie just wants to wrap his arms around his friend and pull him into a hug, to hold onto Richie and tell him everything is going to be alright but he isn’t sure if he can so that right now. “Eddie my love,” Richie says, finally looking up at Eddie. 

There was something in Richie’s eyes, that Eddie was finding so hard to pinpoint what it was. He can see the scared kid in those eyes, he can see the love behind them – but there was something else in there, like he was hoping Eddie could figure it out without Richie having to say it, but Eddie doesn’t know what it is. “Rich?” 

“Fuck! I don’t care that you’re gay, that’s be like... so hypocritical of me if I did,” Richie stumbles out, and Eddie’s jaw drops a little, and he continues to watch as Richie ends up pulling his hands out of his pocket, hands too full of nervous energy. “I’m... I am too. Oh god,” Richie’s eyes widen as he says the words, but he doesn’t pause because he’s on a role and he can’t stop, “and I fucking _love you_. Like, how Ben loves Bev, not just ho-” 

Richie’s words are cut off as Eddie surges forward, pulling Richie into a hug. Arms wrapping their way around Richie’s waist and holding on tightly, “I love you too.” Eddie’s voice is slightly muffled because his face is in Richie’s neck. Richie’s arms wrap around Eddie, returning the embrace. “I fucking love you too Rich.” 

Pulling away, Eddie smiles up at Richie as he brings his hands up to cup Richie’s face, thumbs rubbing slightly against the stubble that was growing on Richie’s face. It was a soft gesture, and Eddie could just bring Richie’s face down to his, could press his lips to Richie’s but he doesn’t. It’s not because he doesn’t want too, he does. Oh, how he does, so badly but there was some part of him that would feel wrong because he was still technically married to Myra. 

Eddie thinks Richie gets it, because Richie just smiles and it’s like they know, they don’t need to kiss to make their feelings known. They knew how the other felt, and that was enough for now. 

For years, Eddie had been feeling so _broken_ and lost within himself, like he was missing a part of himself but not knowing what it was. He wrapped himself up in a world that he thought he needed. A world that society told him was normal, that his mother made him feel was right. He had been trapped in a life that had left him feeling so empty, that he didn’t truly know he felt empty until he meets his friends again and they made him feel free. They had held out their hands for an adventure, and he had so gladly accepted their offer, taking hold of their hands and _running_ , running like the wind with a laugh falling from his lips as they all ran together. 

Now he knows what real love is meant to look like, what people who care about you are meant to do and make you feel. He now knows it’s not in making him feeling like he has to rely on one person, knows it isn’t just having people you know of. 

He knows how people are supposed to care for each other, he knows it because he sees it in the way Bill teaches him how to cook and how to do the things his mother and Myra thought were too dangerous for him. It was in the patience that Audra showed when he made a mistake when he was helping her practicing lines. In the way Beverly was helping him set up a small apartment that actually said _Eddie_ , that Eddie did in fact live there. He watches it in the way Stan helps him find the perfect cat for his new home. In the way Patty politely informs him she believes he’s had a reading disability, and how she helps him with it like she does with her school kids. Or in the way Mike sends him photos from his latest trip to whatever state he was in because he thought Eddie would like the photo. Or how Ben belts out his favourite songs and sends them to the others because he knows it would be a great laugh and that was all that mattered. Or, in the tender soft kisses Richie gives, kisses that feel like they’re so full of love that Eddie feels like he could burst every time it happens. 

It’s in the way the Losers are always there for each other, whether it’s just a phone call away, or a trip to see each other. It’s in the way they don’t have to say _I love you_ , because they already know it and they don’t feel like they have to say it. How it goes unsaid, but always known. 

This is what Eddie’s been missing. He’s been missing having friends who truly care about him, missing having a love that is pure and unrestricted. Love that makes him feel free, and unbreakable. A love that makes him feel okay to come down from that place way up high that is what he had alway thought he _had_ to have and into a place where he truly belongs and feels so happy in. His friends make him feel so loved, and he loves them back so fucking much. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm planning on doing a 'losers meet sabrina carpenter' thing, where i write all the losers and their many ships to a sabrina carpenter song. if you have ideas or suggestion, hit me up! my tumblr is quccnofmean OR wiildhcartsrun
> 
> and i am working on the big it2 rewrite for the Running Towards Freedom AU!


End file.
